To Kippa or Not to Kippa, That Is the Question

The answer and the problem can be quite complicated. It turns out that the kippa, or yarmulke as it is more commonly known, is not requested by God for Jews to wear. In other words, nowhere in all of Tanach is there any mention of the funny little head covering that Jewish men are known to wear. It seems that the kippa is a keeper of tradition. By early Talmudic times, it was recorded that very pious individuals, including biblical ones, wore a kippa. Over the years, now centuries, Jewish men have covered their heads to show that there is a King above us all. It may be the one way to know for sure if someone is Jewish.

Fast forward to the 21st century. I have the following struggle with this tradition: I don't want the world to know that I am Jewish. Plain and simple, I have spent my entire life trying anything that wasn't stereotypically "Jewish." Now, at twenty-six years of age, I find myself in an Orthodox community in Brooklyn, New York.

I feel that I should wear one as long as I am in the neighborhood, in line with the logic that if I were going to, let's say, a mosque, I would take off my shoes first. I don't take off my shoes because I necessarily believe in Islam; I do it out of respect. In my neighborhood the same logic should apply. Except that as soon as I leave the area by subway, I take off my kippa.

This strikes me as stupid. Why am I ashamed of people knowing I am Jewish, especially in New York? I try to reason it out. I am scared of some anti-Semite. Or even better: "I probably won't keep kosher throughout the day, and therefore I have to take it off as long as I continue to not keep kosher." This line of reasoning has validity within Orthodox circles. It is known as mar'it ayin, how things look to the community's eye. Basically, a Jew is not supposed to do anything that gives other Jews the wrong idea about the religion. One major example: if a Jew wearing a yarmulke eats in a non-kosher restaurant, other Jews may think the place is kosher when it is not, or think that it is permissible to eat non-kosher food. This has actual weight in Jewish law. It is connected to the biblical commandment, "Do not put a stumbling block in front of the blind."

Every day I go through this struggle, trying to create new and original ways of justifying not wearing a very small but significant piece of cloth. As soon as I put it on, I identify myself as a Jew, and nominally as an Orthodox Jew. This wouldn't necessarily be the case in Israel, but I am not in Israel.

The sad truth is that I am not proud to be Jewish, nor do I especially want it to be known that I am a Jew. This sobering realization has made me wonder exactly what I am supposed to do about this internal lack of pride. The other conflict is that I have actually learned with the Orthodox for almost five years now, and have lived in heavily Orthodox neighborhoods for most of that time. Being in a community adds to this pressure, and to the obvious fact that I just don't fit in, even with my fellow co-religionists!

Now, there are a lot of Jews in New York, and I don't have to live in an overtly Orthodox neighborhood to have the benefits of a Jewish community, since New York is one big community. Not only that, I can choose among different styles, philosophies and practical approaches to living this incredibly old religion. I don't have to have this struggle. Yet even when I try to move out of a specific neighborhood, I am still confronted daily with my Jewishness in a myriad of ways.

Again, it seems to be this piece of cloth that takes on the representation of all that I have come to struggle with. This silly little garment, which isn't even mentioned in the Torah, continues to be a symbol, both real and imaginary, of all my searching for my own path. Since I hold most, if not all, of the beliefs of the Orthodox camp, this struggle is real for me. But I have the feeling that even if I didn't believe in God, or thought there was nothing important about Israel or Judaism, this would still be an issue.