Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Soul of One Jewish Folk Recycled…and again..

“Just make a decision already! You’re told old to be carrying on in this manner. Get married” the baal habais began as I sat at his table one Shabbot. “But I feel that religion isn’t just something you just do without thinking. Spiritual growth is a life long process. I don’t want to rush. This is very important to me, since I am the one who has to wake up with the results of what decision I make.” ‘What the hell is wrong with this guy, why can’t he leave me alone? I don’t need this. G-d get me out of this,’ I thought as I was suddenly confronted by my Shabbot host. “So, in the meantime you do nothing? What are you doing for work? You don’t even have a real job! How old are you again?” the man of the house continued. “Twenty-seven.” I answered quickly, seeing that this was not going to be a pleasant conversation. “Get married. You need a wife.” He retorted in complete seriousness. “Well, I don’t disagree with that, but which is it? Get a job or a wife? Do you have someone in mind?” I asked incredulously, trying not to get angry, and wanting the attention off myself.” I am already married.” Was his sarcastic reply. “Obviously.” I deadpanned. “Just make up your mind already. You are too religious for a non-religious girl,and not religious enough for a frumm girl. You can’t continue to live like this.” “I never said I wasn’t religious, I believe in G-d.

That is not my struggle, and I don’t even feel as if I am struggling.” ‘What a lie.’

” You’re lying and you know it.” He finished. I somehow managed to get the attention off of myself, and eat in relative peace. The whole incident got me rather angry. Later, while walking from the train to my apartment, I was going over this incident in my mind. I couldn’t believe that it had actually happened. It made me so mad. I caught myself thinking some pretty stupid thoughts as I trekked home that day.

‘I’ll show him! That ass! I won’t become religious.’ ‘Daniel, that is the dumbest thing I have heard you think in a longtime. Will you just calm down?’ ‘Wait just one minute; you can’t insist that what he did was all right? Attacking me in front of everybody? That was really embarrassing.’ ‘True, but he was right and that is what really bothers you isn’t it?’ ‘Of course, I have spent an enormous amount of time on this matter.But it is so vitally important. This is my life we are talking about here.’ ‘True.’

Sigh. Thus was my debate. This debate rages constantly within me. It almost never ceases. I have become obsessed with this problem.Ironically, I can’t even live a secular life. When I try to live ‘naturally’ and not be so concerned with Jewish law, my soul, and all this knowledge that I have gained roars up and makes me crazy.And as far as a ‘frumm’ life, well, it goes without saying that I am not good at that either. Basically, I am incompetent. But at the same time, I am driven by my deep relationship with G-d.I just can’t seem to ignore this, no matter what I try. It’s funny in a sad way. This utter realization of what is actually going on inside myself. The problem is that every time I do go to a Rabbi, I end up just retelling this story. I have tried to write parts of it to different Rabbis at different times with the same results.They were unable to assist me. Mainly, I think it is due to my resistance to the idea that I need to change the way I think before I can become “frumm.” It is also very painful to have to retell this whole story and not get any results. Perhaps the real problem is I myself do not know what I am expecting from the people I speak to. Sometimes I feel as if I have wasted these last six years. At other times, I feel that this is the most important thing that could ever happen to me. It seems that most people don’t go through a religious crisis or development until they are older. Often, I try very hard to recall what I was like before the letter arrived from Israel. I tend to believe that it is all the letters fault, as if it is a person. I know that this is perhaps the most ridiculous thing I could possibly think. Then again, with my whole life ahead of me, who knows what I will think next?

It is in these magical mystical moments that the possibilities are endless.My mind drifts hovering over the vast earth, a bird without wings propelled only by my imagination and music.Drifting and gliding with seemingly no direction can be both exhilarating and frightening.Where will I land?

‘Yeh yeh yeh yeh ohhh my bodi, yeh yeh yeh yeh ohh my bodi,aahhhahaha ahahahahaha aahhhhhhhahahhahhMy christnaaaaa, my christnaaaaa,’

People swarming all around darkness abounds. The mass multitudes press up against me grabbing at me in curiosity for I am lighter toned than they.My hair is curly and my eyes light. Pressing up against me in seemingly an endless mass of humanity, I make my way slowly to the River. Here it is said, I will be purified. I step forward literally ready to take the plunge over the edge into the great brown water below. Millions are all around me screaming and wailing in ecstasy? I try to block out any thoughts of cultural information that I have absorbed during my life regarding this experience. I want to jump as a native jumps and not as the white man from America that I am.I want to become the River.For isn’t that the point after all? Everything is racing through my mind at once.Imploding with a brilliance that rivals the noonday sun here on the River bank. The gentle water flows just below,for it is not a deadly leap-but one of faith. Why

I am here? Why did I travel half way around the world to join these people in their ritual? Do I not have my own rituals in which to plunge into?

‘Oy Oy Oy Oy Oy Oyyyyyyyayyyyyyiiii ayyyiiii Dovid Melech CHAI VI CHI YAMM!!!DOVID MELECH CHAI VI CHI YAMDOVID MELECH CHAI VI CHI YAMOY OY OY OY OYCHAI VI CHI YAM CHAI VI CHI YAMDOVID MELECH….’

And the chat slowly enters into me from afar, for I am still standing on the riverbank about to jump.I am ready – I am going to jump.

Weeeeeeeyaaaaaahhhhhhh….’Weeeeeeeyyaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh……it’s cold!!! Put me back! I want to go back!!

THE END.